How to Seek Beauty in a Woman for an Arranged Marriage?

There is no doubt that a lot of lies and deception happen within arranged marriages, especially when we are surrounded by fashionable lifestyles, makeup, and unrealistic expectations from movies, dramas, and web series on the internet.

Why do Muslim women nowadays tell their husbands to shave their beards? It’s because of constant exposure to heroes, celebrities, and personalities on the internet, TVs, web series, and movies. If you keep watching something repeatedly, whether good or bad, it sticks in your mind — for example, pornographic movies, which we all know spoil marriages and negatively affect youths’ sexual urges.

It is also common for things to be kept secret or hidden from the other party just to get the marriage done. This happens on both sides — the bride’s family and the groom’s family. The agenda could be anything: high status, caste, property inheritance, beauty, etc.

In Islam, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, Mut‘ah (temporary marriage, except in the case of proper war between two countries), or living together without marriage (even if they could have a child) is completely forbidden (haram).

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Steps and Guidelines

1. Assessing Beauty and Sexual Preparedness:
    To seek a beautiful and desirable woman, a man first needs to feel sexual desire. When you see a beautiful woman, you should feel attraction. To achieve this naturally, stay away from harmful activities that reduce testosterone, such as masturbation. Avoid touching your penis at least one week before an arranged marriage meeting. Eat healthy food, sleep well, and exercise.

First and foremost, to seek beautiful and lustful women, you yourself first need to feel sexual desire and have active sexual urges. When you see a beautiful woman, you should feel an urge to kiss her on the lips, neck, back, and stomach. This is the first point. To achieve this, you need to stay away from harmful activities that reduce testosterone levels in your body as a man—for example, avoid touching your penis and masturbation for at least one week before going to an arranged marriage meeting to see a woman. Eat healthy food, and so on.

2. Be Prepared Mentally:
    Don’t feel shy. Learn about marriage beforehand. Regardless of who you are meeting — relative, same caste, poor, rich, or non-relative — adhere to these principles. People can be deceptive with words and promises. The main purpose of marriage is to remain chaste. If you do not feel sexual desire for the woman, you may fall into major haram (adultery/zina). Other purposes include building a family, having children, and support in old age.
   
3. Learn to Say No:
    If you don’t feel genuine desire, do not say yes immediately. Take time, go home, and decide. Meet the woman and her family multiple times if necessary. If the family refuses, something may be wrong — say no, regardless of pressure from parents.
   
4. Acceptable Matches:
    If you cannot find someone more beautiful than yourself, accept a woman equally attractive if you fear falling into haram. Otherwise, continue searching with good intention.
   
5. Age for Marriage:
    Islam does not set a universal age for marriage. The age of consent varies by country. Two-way marriage laws include:
   

• With parental consent
  
• Without parental consent
  

6. Follow your country’s law. If unable to marry due to financial or other reasons, fasting is recommended to diminish sexual desire, as the Prophet ﷺ commanded.
   
7. Eligibility:
   

• Boys: Upon reaching puberty, being physically and mentally fit, and feeling sexual desire, a boy is eligible for marriage regardless of age.
  
• Girls: Upon reaching puberty (menstruation), being physically and mentally fit, and feeling sexual desire, a girl is eligible for marriage regardless of age.
  

8. Our Mother Aisha (RA) said, “When a girl reaches the age of 9, she becomes a woman.” Historical examples in English law also confirm early marriages were common. Muslims should not feel discomfort when discussing this.

When a boy reaches puberty — for example, when he begins to produce semen — is physically and mentally mature, and feels a natural desire for a woman, he is considered a man and eligible for marriage, regardless of his age (whether 13, 15, 16, 17, 18, 20, 24, or 25). Similarly, when a girl reaches puberty — begins menstruating — is physically and mentally mature, and experiences natural sexual desire, she is considered a woman and ready for marriage, regardless of age (whether 8, 9, 11, 13, 15, 18, 20, 24, or 28).

Our Mother Aisha (RA) said, “When a girl reaches the age of nine, she becomes a woman.” Historically, English law also permitted girls to marry at ages such as 11, 12, 13, and 15. For instance, King Richard married Isabella when she was six, while he was over 50 — this was common in ancient times.William Blackstone an English historian said in English law, girls used to get married in the 19th century at age of 11, 12, 13, 15 & so on.

"When a girl reaches the age of nine, she becomes a woman." [Ahmad and At-Tirmithi] Imaam Ash-Shaafi'i said, “I saw a grandmother who was only twenty-one years old.” This means that she and her daughter as well became pregnant before the age of ten years.

Therefore, a man may marry a small girl but he can only establish conjugal relations with her after she becomes pubescent. Ibn Hajar reported that marrying a small girl is permissible but having sexual intercourse is only permissible after her puberty.

Muslims should never feel shame or discomfort when discussing Aisha’s marriage at a young age with the Prophet ﷺ. We will discuss this topic in detail later. Currently, it is important to note that the age of marriage varies between countries. Muslims should follow the laws of their country and avoid creating unnecessary controversy.

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Preparation Before Marriage Meeting (1 Week Prior)

• Avoid masturbation and touching your penis.
  
• Drink plenty of water (5 liters/day), in intervals before and after meals.
  
• Eat healthy foods to increase testosterone: boiled chicken, mutton, beef with chutney, fish, desi ghee, eggs, fruits, salad. Limit chapati, rice, dal, and milk. Avoid junk food, fast food, processed items, and sodas.
  
• Sleep 8 hours at night.
  
• Walk at least 7,000 steps (6 km) in the morning.
  
• Exercise at the gym in the evening.
  
• Reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.
  

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During the Marriage Meeting

1. Arrange the meeting, preferably in the morning (10–11 am).

Avoid Scheduling Marriage Meetings in the Evening or at Night

It is recommended not to schedule marriage meetings in the evening or at night because natural light during the day allows both parties to see each other clearly. Dim or artificial light at night can make appearances misleading. Shadows, poor lighting, or the subtle effects of artificial lights can distort facial features, skin tone, or other physical attributes, which may lead to incorrect impressions.

Daytime meetings, preferably in the morning or early afternoon, ensure that both families and the prospective bride and groom can assess each other accurately in natural light. This practice helps avoid deception, ensures transparency, and aligns with the Islamic principle of honesty and fairness in marriage arrangements.

2. Greet everyone with Salam.
   
3. Locate and greet the girl’s parents.
   
4. Ask about family members.
   
5. Remain calm, confident, and prepared.
   
6. Drink water or tea; avoid overeating.
   
7. Request the girl to prepare herself.
   
8. Meet in a room with your mother, sisters, 2–3 aunts, and 2 other members (7–9 people max).
   
9. Sit 3-5 meters away from the girl.
   
10. Ask her to introduce herself (name, education, skills).
    
11. Make her comfortable if she is shy; assure her this is just a communication meeting and not a price tag set up for labour work.
    
12. Speak first; limit interruptions from others.
    
13. Observe her walking, posture, and movements to check for physical fitness.
    
14. Check her body (standing, lifting hands, squatting) while maintaining modesty.
    
15. Note observations with pen and paper for later reflection.
    
16. Assess makeup and eyesight (have her read slides or text on phone).
    
17. Smile and allow family members to ask questions.
    
18. Scenario-based questions may be asked.
    
19. Keep the meeting under 20 minutes.
    
20. When asked, say you will decide later (1–2 days).
    
21. Go home, discuss with your parents, and arrange a second meeting if needed.
    

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Financial and Practical Discussion

• Share what you do and how you will care for her.
  
• If the family asks detailed questions about wealth or property, politely say no if uncomfortable.
  

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Final Notes

• Focus on halal means (asbāb) and leave the results to Allah.
  
• If problems arise after marriage, it does not mean the method was wrong. The emphasis is on using correct, permissible methods.
  

End

Compiled by ALi Hussain DHuniya

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